Jan 23, 2021
what makes an Ant
WHO ARE YOU?
I am Anthony, but you can call me Ant. My most apparent characteristic from what I’ve been told has to be my smile. Despite most seeing me as an extrovert I am in fact an introvert, but I’m not afraid to talk and be myself. I have a presence that seems to reach a lot more people than I thought. Because I truly exist. However, I deplore a lot about myself… A lot would even say that I am too hard on myself, but it just follows the usual insecurities a person might have. In fact, my expectations are too plethoric for myself, and yet I still push myself to achieve. Sometimes the push is too much, and it feels like there's not enough time, health, love, wealth, etc., etc. So I give into procrastination and laziness.
I hate most when others lie, the facade of being one way and being another is merely annoying to me. I don’t have expectations for anyone but myself. So when someone comes to me with the same feelings of “I’m not good enough” I idiotically wonder “why?” How could you feel less than the amazing person I see with my eyes? While ignoring how the same may be applied to me.
As a kid, my biggest fear was natural disasters, such as tornados, tsunami, or meteorites. Then growing up it became getting caught, or a break-in. Now in my becoming years, I have grown to fear death, torture would be the worst possible thing to happen, but I would just like to exist for as long as possible… But there just isn’t enough time now is there.
If I were able to change one thing about myself, I guess it would be my lisp… sometimes people have trouble understanding me because of it. And it also makes me come off as someone I’m not.
I lie on very rare occasions if at all. I don’t want to say I don’t lie because that in itself is a lie. I have lied in the past, I lied to try and keep someone happy, or try to use the situation to my advantage, but that was when I was a kid. Then one day, my mom told me when I was about 8 that a man isn’t shit without his word. Since I had worked on not lying, and eventually I stopped altogether.
The most valuable thing in my possession is my dissipating memories. How can someone exist if they are not remembered? and does it even matter to remember? For me it does. To me, the memory of where a trinket came from was more valuable than the trinket itself, and the only worry for losing such a trinket or letter is forgetting what it said or meant.
My greatest extravagance was back in 2019 when I decided to put all of my time and efforts into applying to Make school. After a very harsh senior year, my grades were definitely not the best, but I did my best to prove to them that I could code. After being accepted -for what at the time was a 10% acceptance rate- made me ecstatic, as it meant I could go to a college I actually wanted to go to. It meant that I could move to San Fransisco and escape this armpit of California we call Bakersfield. Upon moving, I was greeted with kindness by both of my roommates. I made a lot of friends and people who had similar interests but came from very different backgrounds. I had a place to finally be me and grow, and the rest is history.
My favorite occupations involve creating, destroying, playing video games, or watching shows. However, I think most of those actions would feel pretty lonely if I had no one to talk about it with. So for me, my favorite occupation is hanging out with friends.
I achieved nothing. But that doesn’t mean I won’t achieve in the future. My prospects for the future are high, and I’m really hoping to do a lot with my life. But life is a journey, and I feel as if I should be enjoying every day as if it was my last… But that’s easier said than done.
What I value most in a friend is their level to understand. Being funny, cool, or well dressed is all well and good, but it’s not as important to me as being around someone who can hang around me without feeling like I have to restrain myself. I guess I should add to fears that I fear hurting people most. So when I do feel like I might hurt someone I become in a way filtered. Oh! and bonus points if you are down to do something at a moment's notice.
Other than that, I used to tell myself a lot “Hell Before Heaven”, to justify the events happening, and so that my high expectations for myself weren’t far fetched just further away. The happiest time of my life is a bit difficult to say. But in middle school, we used to have this place we called “The Corner”, and there I was just always surrounded by friends and the ability to be me. I don’t think I’m anything special, but I hope someday I will be.
